5 Tips For Surviving An Affair

A good article by M Porteous,

Affair surviving? 5 Tips for surviving an affair!

The horrible gut wrenching feeling knowing your husbad is having an affair can be a poison that will infect all parts of your life. The questions you ask yourself and the self doubt wear you down night after night. "Do i throw him out?", "Can i ignore it and time will heal?", "Did i fail him?", "Can i save my marriage?". All these things and more run through your mind ,making you angry, sad, scared and depressed. It does not ave to be this way however! affair surviving is possible and can be done by you if you do a few things right like these tips on surviving an affair.

1. Know the Affair is NOT your Fault.

While it can feel that you may have done somethign wrong that has driven him into the arms of another woman this is never true! While both of you may have made mistakes, (and who honestly hasn't!) The truth of the matter is that HE mad ethe choice to have an affair! This means HE is the one who is at fault no matter the circumstances! Your husband has made a decision based on a selfish desire to run away from a problem instead of solving it. The affair is a temporary indulgence in an emotional and physical neediness. The truth is that affairs are temporary things and hardly ever amount to anythign solid between the two having an affair.

2. You must find out just what type of affair is going on.

Affairs happen for different reasons just as people lead different lives and want different things. Here are some of the main excuses men use to justify thier affair.

My marriage made me do this! I just can't say no! I just don't WANT to say no! I am not in love any more! I did it to get revenge on my spouse! I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! I just wanted to be close to someone!

Each of these excuses need different ways of being dealth with. Some are more to do with his ego exclusivly while others have more complex undercurrents. To be able to survive an affair you need to know exactly what you are facing!

3. Find out what is internally driving him to the affair.

This follows on from the previous tip, while you can find out the reason he may state is making him turn to an affair you need to delve deeper and find out what is really driving him! You need to know what drives your man, how his past has effected him decision makign now, how he copes with relationships and more. How you do this will vary greatly but only once you find out what HIS problem is can you develop effective strategies with better decisions. You will also feel a lot better knowing you now have a clear path to follow and it is his problem not your own!

4. Ask yourself the tough question.

Now that you have worked out what is happening with your partner and undertsand him much more than you did before you have to ask a difficult question of yourself, "Do want to stay with him?". While you probably answer yes straight away or you would not be reading this guide only once you have come to the conclusions you have after following the first 3 steps can you look at tyhis mroe honestly. Basically you need to work out if you really love him and want to stay with him or if you just want to save your marriage based on your own feelings of insecurities and neediness. While this may sound harsh if you want him to be honest with you you must be honest with him and yourself, if you are trying to save a marriage based purly on selfish reasons will it be much of a marriage? While you are askign yourself this now it is best to find out about him first before you can look at this question logically!

What are the odds of saving your marriage?

What sort of affair you are facing from tip 2 makes a large impact on how easy it will be to save your marriage and may effect how you approach this problem. Here is a quick guide, however small nuances in each situation may vary the end result so this is just a rough guide.

My marriage made me do this! - Hard to save. IF he is set in his mind that the marriage is the problem then obviously it will be harder to get a healthy marriage back. I just can't say no! - This is purly his problem and has a good chance of saving the marriage once he works it out. I just don't WANT to say no! - Not as good. He is choosing very logically to have this affair because he really wants it. This is still an ego issue though and he may still want a marriage back once the reasons for his wanting an affair can be solved. Better then the first not as good as the second type. I am not in love any more! - Not as bad as it sounds, he is wanting with this type and while he feels the love is gone the marriage may still have appeal. Rekindling love can turn this around greatly! I did it to get revenge on my spouse! - also not as bad as it sounds. Angry and petulant but he still sees you as his wife otherwiase he would have simply tried for a divorce. I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! - Again more about his ego than your marriage. I just wanted to be close to someone! - IF there is distance in amarriage this could be problematic, this could be tough.

5. Predict the future

Once you are armed with all this information and can act on it you will also be armed with an important skill; Foresight. Using your new knowledge of your man and his desires, shortcomings and needs you can predict what will happen in his affair and your marriage. USing your knowledge predict if he will have another affair even if this one stops. Use your knowledge to predict if the affairs are long term or just one night stands. Predict what sort of affairs he is likely to have, physical, emotional or mental? Use this knowledge to see the future then act on it!

Affair surviving can be a hard road no matter what your choices but i hope these tips on surviving an affair will arm you with the information you need to make the right decisions not just now but for long into the future!

Good luck!

About the Author

Did you find this article useful? Need more information on surviving that affair? Want to make sure it never happens again so you get the marital bliss you have been missing for so long? Click here to find out how to break free from the affair! Get your man and your own life back now or suffeer the agony of ongoing affairs

Michael
Surviving An Affair

surviving an affair

Infidelity Strategy: Knowing when and when not to Wait article by surviving an affair expert Robert Huizenga

You found out that your partner is having an affair. Are you unsure of what to do? Do you rant and rage? Or, do you try to be nice, hoping your goodness will turn the tide of the affair? Do you throw him/her out? Or, do you step back and wait, hoping s/he will come back to you?

These are hugely important questions that impact the course of your healing and your capacity to change the flow of the affair, if indeed, it can be changed. You want your strategy to be well thought through and have the greatest impact.

You want no knee-jerk reaction that will dig your hole deeper, do you?

And, believe me, the answers to these questions are not clear cut. They are complex.

Let's talk about waiting.

I had a coaching call with Sue (part of my audio tape series) in which Sue described beautifully the three stages of waiting as you cope with marital infidelity.

The first waiting is usually for your spouse to change.

You are hoping either that you will wake up and find that this was nothing more than a bad nightmare (part of the shock of discovery) or that s/he will see the error of his/her ways and become sane once again.

Typically, you focus on your cheating partner and/or the other person. That's all you think about. That's all you feel. It consumes you!

Now let's be realistic here. If you have a marriage where you are invested, emotionally, financially, etc. it will be next to impossible to avoid this agony.

Yes, you will go off the deep end, a little; maybe a lot. You engage in most of the "Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair and your misery" I outline in my e-course. Your minutes are marked by confusion and awful pain.

And then you move to the second phase of waiting: waiting for you to be comfortable enough with you and the situation to do exactly what you need to say and do that will have the greatest benefit for you and the relationship. You get smart.

It begins when you learn that there are 7 kinds of infidelity. It begins when you discover what it was that drove your spouse to make such a horrible decision.

It begins when you discover that his/her personal characteristics match exactly the kind of affair s/he is having. It begins when you realize that it was HIS/HER decision and had very little to do with you.

It begins when you discover that you are not alone: Thousands of others experience similar pain and in surviving infidelity have created and upgraded very successfully their lives and relationships.

It begins when you realize the huge reservoir of your personal power you want to unleash.

As you intentionally charge neutral you find those people important in your life attending to what you say, what you value and what you will not tolerate.

And then you enter the third phase of waiting: waiting for the infidelity process to work itself to completion.

From what you've learned about the kinds of infidelity, with great forethought and preparation, you begin to intervene.

You are aware of the specific kind of affair facing you and now you know the best strategy to employ for that kind of affair. You act and speak with force. S/he finally "gets" what you are saying and you pleasantly discover s/he is responding more positively.

Knowing the kind of affair, enables you to set a time line. You begin to understand and accept the time frame for the process.

You are on the way. You continue to learn. You continue to adjust your words and actions to have their greatest impact.

You begin enjoying yourself. You are no longer concerned about waiting. You joyfully discover that your life seems easier, lighter and are surprised by how good you find it. You can stand back and marvel at your journey, and yes, even give thanks for where you have been.

Now, I want you to know that what I've written above is not a pipe dream. I work with people regularly who move through these stages of waiting. And, the quicker they start, the faster they move.

About the Author

Dr. Robert Huizenga, CSW, LMFT, The Infidelity Coach, is an author, and Marriage and Family Therapist. For the past two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in the area of marital infidelity. He is author of "Break Free From The Affair." To read how he has helped others go to: http://www.infidelity-help.com/chatroom

surviving an affair