Surviving an Affair
An interesting article taken from Hilary Clinton's book. Hope you find it useful.
Michael
Insights on Infidelity from Hillary Clinton's Book by Ruth Houston
Of the various topics discussed in Hillary Clinton's "Living History", the topic that has gained the most attention is the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. Since infidelity now affects 80% of all marriages, it's easy to understand why. The Clinton-Lewinsky affair continues to be a major point of interest because infidelity has reached epidemic proportions. Women with cheating husbands identify with Mrs. Clinton and feel they can learn from her experience."
As author of an infidelity book and former infidelity victim myself, I can attest to the fact that women struggling with issues of infidelity are eager for information that will shed light on how to cope with an extramarital affair.
There are nuggets of information on surviving infidelity scattered throughout Hillary Clinton's account of the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. I found at least a dozen insights on infidelity that would be of interest to women whose husbands are having an affair - insights such as:
• Infidelity doesn't necessarily have to mean the end of the marriage. • A cheating husband must come clean and own up to his infidelity before the healing process can begin. • Together, the couple must address the underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair. • Both parties must be equally committed to rebuilding the marriage. • Counseling can help the couple come to terms with the affair. • The healing process takes time and both parties must be patient.
Living History" is a surprisingly rich source of information on surviving an affair. Women will find in Hillary Clinton a role model for wives facing similar marital problems. Her candid account of the Clinton-Lewinsky affair answers many of the questions in the public mind, such as : Why didn't Mrs. Clinton leave her husband? What made her decide to stay with him and keep their marriage intact? How did she cope with the emotional trauma? What helped her overcome the pain of betrayal?
"Living History" provides an intensely intimate look at one woman's reaction to her husband's affair. By examining the factors that contributed to the survival of the Clinton marriage, perhaps other marriages can be saved. "Living History" is worthwhile reading for any woman whose husband is engaged in an extramarital affair.
© 2004 Ruth Houston All rights reserved.
About the Author
Ruth Houston is the author of "Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs." For more information about her book, cheating husbands or signs of infidelity visit http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com To receive a FREE Infidelity Report which includes a list of 29 Telltale Signs, send an e-mail to CheatingSigns@aol.com with "Infidelity Report" in the subject line.
Surviving an Affair
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Surviving An Affair
Surviving An Affair
Having an unfaithful spouse can be devastating, surviving infidelity can be a major life changing event. surviving an affair takes tremendous courage.
Do you suspect your spouse is cheating on you? If you believe you have a cheating spouse you need to look for the sign of a cheating spouse. If you have a cheating partner, they will always show you a sign of infidelity.
Interesting article from Stephany Alexander. Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving by Stephany Alexander
Michael
Main Article
Warning signs of infidelity can take many forms but if you know which signs to look for, it can make this difficult investigative journey a bit easier and definitely less expensive than hiring a private investigator. Infidelity can take many forms but usually begins as emotional infidelity and then progresses to sexual infidelity. A person's gut instinct is usually right, but if you notice any of the below top 20 warning signs of infidelity, the likelihood of your partner cheating becomes even more so. If you discover infidelity, be prepared with a master plan of action. Surviving infidelity is just as difficult as the discovery so make sure that you have a master plan of action as to how you will cope if infidelity is discovered.
Watch for the following top 20 infidelity signs:
1. Cheating spouse spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so they must make up more excuses to be away such as working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.
2. Cheating husband or wife has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn't answer their phone around you, turns the ringer off or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheating partner's cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or of long duration.
3. Cheater's clothes smell of alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne.
4. Cheating spouse clears his computer history, utilizes free email accounts such as gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc..., spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.
5. Cheater is not interested in sex as much.
6. Cheating husband or wife is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.
7. Cheating spouse starts using cash more often.
8. Cheating spouse suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.
9. Cheating spouse has higher than usual car mileage.
10. Cheating husband or wife wants to travel and attend functions alone
11. Cheater has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.
12. Cheating spouse suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie.
13. They begin bathing or showering more frequently.
14. Cheating husband or wife asks about your schedule more often than usual.
15. Cheating spouse stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.
16. Cheater may have new or unusual sexual requests.
17. Cheating spouse is always "too tired" for you.
18. The lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc... because they need this time for their affair.
19. Cheating husband or wife becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.
20. Cheater starts finding fault in everything you do to justify the affair in their mind.
The discovery of infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Many couples have survived infidelity. If both partners still value the relationship and are willing to work at saving it through counseling, daily effort and increased communication, the chances of surviving infidelity become much greater.
About the Author
Stephany Alexander is a relationship expert and CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World's Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a degree in Communications and is the author of the book Sex, Lies and the Internet.
Having an unfaithful spouse can be devastating, surviving infidelity can be a major life changing event. surviving an affair takes tremendous courage.
Do you suspect your spouse is cheating on you? If you believe you have a cheating spouse you need to look for the sign of a cheating spouse. If you have a cheating partner, they will always show you a sign of infidelity.
Interesting article from Stephany Alexander. Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving by Stephany Alexander
Michael
Main Article
Warning signs of infidelity can take many forms but if you know which signs to look for, it can make this difficult investigative journey a bit easier and definitely less expensive than hiring a private investigator. Infidelity can take many forms but usually begins as emotional infidelity and then progresses to sexual infidelity. A person's gut instinct is usually right, but if you notice any of the below top 20 warning signs of infidelity, the likelihood of your partner cheating becomes even more so. If you discover infidelity, be prepared with a master plan of action. Surviving infidelity is just as difficult as the discovery so make sure that you have a master plan of action as to how you will cope if infidelity is discovered.
Watch for the following top 20 infidelity signs:
1. Cheating spouse spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so they must make up more excuses to be away such as working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.
2. Cheating husband or wife has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn't answer their phone around you, turns the ringer off or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheating partner's cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or of long duration.
3. Cheater's clothes smell of alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne.
4. Cheating spouse clears his computer history, utilizes free email accounts such as gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc..., spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.
5. Cheater is not interested in sex as much.
6. Cheating husband or wife is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.
7. Cheating spouse starts using cash more often.
8. Cheating spouse suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.
9. Cheating spouse has higher than usual car mileage.
10. Cheating husband or wife wants to travel and attend functions alone
11. Cheater has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.
12. Cheating spouse suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie.
13. They begin bathing or showering more frequently.
14. Cheating husband or wife asks about your schedule more often than usual.
15. Cheating spouse stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.
16. Cheater may have new or unusual sexual requests.
17. Cheating spouse is always "too tired" for you.
18. The lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc... because they need this time for their affair.
19. Cheating husband or wife becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.
20. Cheater starts finding fault in everything you do to justify the affair in their mind.
The discovery of infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Many couples have survived infidelity. If both partners still value the relationship and are willing to work at saving it through counseling, daily effort and increased communication, the chances of surviving infidelity become much greater.
About the Author
Stephany Alexander is a relationship expert and CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World's Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a degree in Communications and is the author of the book Sex, Lies and the Internet.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Surviving an Affair
Surviving An Affair
Having an unfaithful spouse can be devastating, surviving infidelity can be a major life changing event. surviving an affair takes tremendous courage.
Do you suspect your spouse is cheating on you? If you believe you have a cheating spouse you need to look for the sign of a cheating spouse. If you have a cheating partner, they will always show you a sign of infidelity.
You need to catch your cheating spouse, do not just confront them, be sure, before you start this extremely hard and difficult time. There are lots of ways to detect an affair.
Below is a great article, Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving by Stephany Alexander
Michael Thomas
Surviving An Affair
main article
Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving
Warning signs of infidelity can take many forms but if you know which signs to look for, it can make this difficult investigative journey a bit easier and definitely less expensive than hiring a private investigator. Infidelity can take many forms but usually begins as emotional infidelity and then progresses to sexual infidelity. A person's gut instinct is usually right, but if you notice any of the below top 20 warning signs of infidelity, the likelihood of your partner cheating becomes even more so. If you discover infidelity, be prepared with a master plan of action. Surviving infidelity is just as difficult as the discovery so make sure that you have a master plan of action as to how you will cope if infidelity is discovered.
Watch for the following top 20 infidelity signs:
1. Cheating spouse spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so they must make up more excuses to be away such as working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.
2. Cheating husband or wife has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn't answer their phone around you, turns the ringer off or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheating partner's cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or of long duration.
3. Cheater's clothes smell of alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne.
4. Cheating spouse clears his computer history, utilizes free email accounts such as gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc..., spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.
5. Cheater is not interested in sex as much.
6. Cheating husband or wife is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.
7. Cheating spouse starts using cash more often.
8. Cheating spouse suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.
9. Cheating spouse has higher than usual car mileage.
10. Cheating husband or wife wants to travel and attend functions alone
11. Cheater has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.
12. Cheating spouse suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie.
13. They begin bathing or showering more frequently.
14. Cheating husband or wife asks about your schedule more often than usual.
15. Cheating spouse stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.
16. Cheater may have new or unusual sexual requests.
17. Cheating spouse is always "too tired" for you.
18. The lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc... because they need this time for their affair.
19. Cheating husband or wife becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.
20. Cheater starts finding fault in everything you do to justify the affair in their mind.
The discovery of infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Many couples have survived infidelity. If both partners still value the relationship and are willing to work at saving it through counseling, daily effort and increased communication, the chances of surviving infidelity become much greater.
About the Author
Stephany Alexander is a relationship expert and CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World's Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a degree in Communications and is the author of the book Sex, Lies and the Internet.
Surviving An Affair
Having an unfaithful spouse can be devastating, surviving infidelity can be a major life changing event. surviving an affair takes tremendous courage.
Do you suspect your spouse is cheating on you? If you believe you have a cheating spouse you need to look for the sign of a cheating spouse. If you have a cheating partner, they will always show you a sign of infidelity.
You need to catch your cheating spouse, do not just confront them, be sure, before you start this extremely hard and difficult time. There are lots of ways to detect an affair.
Below is a great article, Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving by Stephany Alexander
Michael Thomas
Surviving An Affair
main article
Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving
Warning signs of infidelity can take many forms but if you know which signs to look for, it can make this difficult investigative journey a bit easier and definitely less expensive than hiring a private investigator. Infidelity can take many forms but usually begins as emotional infidelity and then progresses to sexual infidelity. A person's gut instinct is usually right, but if you notice any of the below top 20 warning signs of infidelity, the likelihood of your partner cheating becomes even more so. If you discover infidelity, be prepared with a master plan of action. Surviving infidelity is just as difficult as the discovery so make sure that you have a master plan of action as to how you will cope if infidelity is discovered.
Watch for the following top 20 infidelity signs:
1. Cheating spouse spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so they must make up more excuses to be away such as working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.
2. Cheating husband or wife has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn't answer their phone around you, turns the ringer off or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheating partner's cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or of long duration.
3. Cheater's clothes smell of alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne.
4. Cheating spouse clears his computer history, utilizes free email accounts such as gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc..., spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.
5. Cheater is not interested in sex as much.
6. Cheating husband or wife is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.
7. Cheating spouse starts using cash more often.
8. Cheating spouse suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.
9. Cheating spouse has higher than usual car mileage.
10. Cheating husband or wife wants to travel and attend functions alone
11. Cheater has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.
12. Cheating spouse suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie.
13. They begin bathing or showering more frequently.
14. Cheating husband or wife asks about your schedule more often than usual.
15. Cheating spouse stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.
16. Cheater may have new or unusual sexual requests.
17. Cheating spouse is always "too tired" for you.
18. The lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc... because they need this time for their affair.
19. Cheating husband or wife becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.
20. Cheater starts finding fault in everything you do to justify the affair in their mind.
The discovery of infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Many couples have survived infidelity. If both partners still value the relationship and are willing to work at saving it through counseling, daily effort and increased communication, the chances of surviving infidelity become much greater.
About the Author
Stephany Alexander is a relationship expert and CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World's Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a degree in Communications and is the author of the book Sex, Lies and the Internet.
Surviving An Affair
Friday, April 06, 2007
Surviving Infidelity
A great article by Terry Ross, on surviving infidelity, after you have found the sign of a cheating spouse, the hard work starts! Surviving an affair is obviously the hardest part and takes a lot of effort.
Michael Thomas
Surviving An affair
Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.
Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.
"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.
I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.
I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"
Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.
The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.
The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.
Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.
Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.
However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.
That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.
As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.
For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com
Surviving Infidelity
Michael Thomas
Surviving An affair
Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.
Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.
"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.
I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.
I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"
Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.
The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.
The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.
Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.
Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.
However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.
That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.
As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.
For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com
Surviving Infidelity
Thursday, January 25, 2007
How To Mend A Broken Heart
A great surviving infidelity article by esther kane, who is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, and author of "Dump That Chump".
Recently, I was asked, "How does one begin to heal from a painful love affair?"
Oh, if only there were a simple answer to heartbreak. Alas, I have yet to find one. After witnessing countless women's journeys on the road to healing from a hurtful love affair, the conclusion that I've come to is that 'the only way out is through.' This, dear reader, is probably NOT the answer you were looking for. However, I'm a big believer in dealing with reality and not seeking simple solutions to complex problems.
When a healthy intimate relationship ends, the pain can feel unbearable at times. But when a hurtful, or abusive, relationship ends, not only are you dealing with the loss of the relationship; you've also got to heal from the trauma of the abuse. I'm not sure if the relationship in question was abusive or not because I don't have enough information to go on, but for the purposes of this column, I'm going to assume that it wasn't in order to simplify things.
Please forgive me if I got it wrong. If it was abusive, I strongly recommend that you seek psychotherapy with someone who specializes in healing from abuse as this is a very delicate matter that needs professional help. So, in terms of healing from a relationship where there wasn't abuse per se, but it just didn't work due to other reasons (there can be many), I will state again that THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH. What I mean by that is that you have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process until you're done.
There's no strict formula here for what that should look like or how long it should take, but in general, there are definite stages of grief. I've taken the following from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she outlines five stages that a dying person experiences when they are told they are dying. The stages identified are: · Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance Even though these stages were developed for people who are terminally ill; experience throughout the years has shown that they are equally applicable to many other forms of loss and grief.
So when a relationship ends, for example, you may go into denial and scream, "this can't be happening to me!" Soon after that, you may explode with anger and think, "Why is this happening to me?" You may blame your ex, yourself, or even God for the end of the relationship. This can be especially intense if your partner cheated on you. You may be enraged at the unfairness of it all and want to punish him/her and the person they cheated with. Then comes the bargaining stage where you're in so much pain after the break-up, that you're willing to do anything in order to get that person back and you shriek, "I promise I'll be a better person if you'll just come back to me." Then, you're hit with the proverbial "blues." This is when you're favourite place in your home is your freezer and you frequently go there for a tub of Haagan Dazs (and NOT the low-fat kind either!) Billie Holiday records are also extremely handy at this stage, as are countless bubble baths in which you soak your tired body, cry a river of tears (all while listening to Billie on the stereo and consuming ice cream- a sort of emotional 'multitasking', if you like). Then, alas, the tears start to dry up, you don't feel so crumby, and you start to notice the good things in life again. This final stage, the one you've earned through going through all of the preceding stages and surviving, is called, "acceptance." This is when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the saddle of life with a renewed sense of hope, some understanding, a dose of personal growth, and even a sense of humour.
Even though I've never had children, I'm imagining that this stage is like JUST AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH, and you almost forget how painful it all was and can see that it was all worth it. To all of you who are trying to heal from a broken heart, I hope that at least some of what I've shared here helps.
About the Author
Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of "Dump That Chump: A Ten-Step Plan for Ending Bad Relationships and Attracting the Fabulous Partner You Deserve (www.dumpthatchump.com), and "What Your Mama Can't or Won't Teach You: Grown Women's Stories of Their Teen Years (www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com
Recently, I was asked, "How does one begin to heal from a painful love affair?"
Oh, if only there were a simple answer to heartbreak. Alas, I have yet to find one. After witnessing countless women's journeys on the road to healing from a hurtful love affair, the conclusion that I've come to is that 'the only way out is through.' This, dear reader, is probably NOT the answer you were looking for. However, I'm a big believer in dealing with reality and not seeking simple solutions to complex problems.
When a healthy intimate relationship ends, the pain can feel unbearable at times. But when a hurtful, or abusive, relationship ends, not only are you dealing with the loss of the relationship; you've also got to heal from the trauma of the abuse. I'm not sure if the relationship in question was abusive or not because I don't have enough information to go on, but for the purposes of this column, I'm going to assume that it wasn't in order to simplify things.
Please forgive me if I got it wrong. If it was abusive, I strongly recommend that you seek psychotherapy with someone who specializes in healing from abuse as this is a very delicate matter that needs professional help. So, in terms of healing from a relationship where there wasn't abuse per se, but it just didn't work due to other reasons (there can be many), I will state again that THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH. What I mean by that is that you have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process until you're done.
There's no strict formula here for what that should look like or how long it should take, but in general, there are definite stages of grief. I've taken the following from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she outlines five stages that a dying person experiences when they are told they are dying. The stages identified are: · Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance Even though these stages were developed for people who are terminally ill; experience throughout the years has shown that they are equally applicable to many other forms of loss and grief.
So when a relationship ends, for example, you may go into denial and scream, "this can't be happening to me!" Soon after that, you may explode with anger and think, "Why is this happening to me?" You may blame your ex, yourself, or even God for the end of the relationship. This can be especially intense if your partner cheated on you. You may be enraged at the unfairness of it all and want to punish him/her and the person they cheated with. Then comes the bargaining stage where you're in so much pain after the break-up, that you're willing to do anything in order to get that person back and you shriek, "I promise I'll be a better person if you'll just come back to me." Then, you're hit with the proverbial "blues." This is when you're favourite place in your home is your freezer and you frequently go there for a tub of Haagan Dazs (and NOT the low-fat kind either!) Billie Holiday records are also extremely handy at this stage, as are countless bubble baths in which you soak your tired body, cry a river of tears (all while listening to Billie on the stereo and consuming ice cream- a sort of emotional 'multitasking', if you like). Then, alas, the tears start to dry up, you don't feel so crumby, and you start to notice the good things in life again. This final stage, the one you've earned through going through all of the preceding stages and surviving, is called, "acceptance." This is when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the saddle of life with a renewed sense of hope, some understanding, a dose of personal growth, and even a sense of humour.
Even though I've never had children, I'm imagining that this stage is like JUST AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH, and you almost forget how painful it all was and can see that it was all worth it. To all of you who are trying to heal from a broken heart, I hope that at least some of what I've shared here helps.
About the Author
Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of "Dump That Chump: A Ten-Step Plan for Ending Bad Relationships and Attracting the Fabulous Partner You Deserve (www.dumpthatchump.com), and "What Your Mama Can't or Won't Teach You: Grown Women's Stories of Their Teen Years (www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com
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