In my experience, the answer to this question is yes. My husband had an affair several years ago and although I felt that my world and my marriage were destroyed at that time, the affair was actually eventually a wake up call which made our marriage better.
Of course, there were hard times and hard work in between, but if several things are present (which I will discuss in this article), a marriage can absolutely survive an affair. It happens all of the time - and not just with people in the spot light, like Kathy Lee Gifford or Hillary Clinton, - but real, ordinary every day people who are able to put their marriage first and make the commitment to move past it. Here are the things that I believe must eventually take place for a marriage to survive an affair.
The Wife Must Be Able To Express Her Feelings And Have Them Understood Before Moving On: I can not tell you how many wives have told me that even when they feel relatively sure that they have begun to forgive their husbands and want to move on, they get stuck. The feelings of betrayal and rage always seem to keep coming back up. They may wake up in the morning and feel ready to move on only to be extremely angry and frustrated again by noon. This is perfectly normal. Sometimes, more patience is all that is needed. You just need to have the distance and healing that comes with time.
However, if these feelings keep cropping up after some time, take a look at whether you've gotten all of the feelings out and feel that you have been heard and understood. Your husband needs to know exactly how you feel and take responsibility for his part in it. You absolutely need to feel that you have not only been heard, but have also been completely understood.
Many women are afraid to lay it out there because they fear that it's going to make a bad situation worse. But, if you don't feel that your husband really gets it, then you probably can't totally move on and begin to heal.
The Husband Must Take Responsibility For The Affair And Make Himself Available And Accountable: First off, I'd like to clear up what I think is the biggest reason that men cheat on their wives. This comes from own experience and research, but I believe it to be valid. Most men have affairs for emotional rather than physical reasons.
Believing that affairs are all about sex is a huge mistake. There is a well known affair / infidelity study which polled men who had cheated and almost 80% said that the affair happened because of emotional needs. (Only 12% said the "other woman" was prettier than their wife.)
Believe me when I say that I'm not sticking up for cheating husbands, but most are deeply sorry about the affair. Often times, men are embarrassed to admit they need or want more of your attention and support or that they are struggling personally, so they instead try to fix them problem on their own. They never think you will find out. This logic is twisted and flawed, but this is their thinking.
With that said, your husband's choice was a horrible one, and he needs to take responsibility for it. He also needs to understand that during the healing process, you are going to need for him to be forthcoming about his whereabouts and with his reassurance and affection.
Putting up defenses or resenting your need for him to be accountable will only make you more suspicious of him. It's best to just understand that, at least for a time, he will need to share with you issues that are important to you like where he is and who he is with. He also needs to be open to communication and exercises that can reassure you and help you to heal.
At the same time, a wife shouldn't punish a husband forever. If he's taken the necessary steps to hear you, understand you, make himself trustworthy and facilitate your healing, you can't continue on with the hurtful spiteful comments to infinity because this will only tear the marriage down rather than build it up.
Both Parties Need To Be Open To Seeing The Affair As A Wake Up Call That Can Make The Marriage Better: When I used to read about couples who said that their marriage was actually stronger after an affair, I used to think that these people were delusional or lying.
But, now from my own experience and research, I know that this is very much true.
Affairs can end a marriage, weaken it, or tear it apart, but they can also bring problems that were hiding in the dark into the light. Couples often learn how to communicate and show affection and appreciation much more effectively and frequently. Suddenly, it becomes very clear to you that you can't take your marriage for granted and you have to give it the same attention as you do or would your job or your children.
So many married couples just assume that their spouse know they love and appreciate them, but an affair shows you that you can't make these assumptions without leaving your marriage vulnerable.
I know and understand my husband much better than I did before we did the work needed to survive the affair and vice versa. And, I've much improved upon my communication skills and making my marriage a priority. I know that right now, it may be hard for you to believe when I say my marriage not only survived the affair, but improved because of it, but it's true for me and it can be for you, too if that is what you chose.
I struggled greatly with forgiving my husband after his affair, but after much introspection, conducting a lot of research, and listening to knowledgeable experts, I finally learned that forgiveness was possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, our marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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