5 Tips For Surviving An Affair

A good article by M Porteous,

Affair surviving? 5 Tips for surviving an affair!

The horrible gut wrenching feeling knowing your husbad is having an affair can be a poison that will infect all parts of your life. The questions you ask yourself and the self doubt wear you down night after night. "Do i throw him out?", "Can i ignore it and time will heal?", "Did i fail him?", "Can i save my marriage?". All these things and more run through your mind ,making you angry, sad, scared and depressed. It does not ave to be this way however! affair surviving is possible and can be done by you if you do a few things right like these tips on surviving an affair.

1. Know the Affair is NOT your Fault.

While it can feel that you may have done somethign wrong that has driven him into the arms of another woman this is never true! While both of you may have made mistakes, (and who honestly hasn't!) The truth of the matter is that HE mad ethe choice to have an affair! This means HE is the one who is at fault no matter the circumstances! Your husband has made a decision based on a selfish desire to run away from a problem instead of solving it. The affair is a temporary indulgence in an emotional and physical neediness. The truth is that affairs are temporary things and hardly ever amount to anythign solid between the two having an affair.

2. You must find out just what type of affair is going on.

Affairs happen for different reasons just as people lead different lives and want different things. Here are some of the main excuses men use to justify thier affair.

My marriage made me do this! I just can't say no! I just don't WANT to say no! I am not in love any more! I did it to get revenge on my spouse! I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! I just wanted to be close to someone!

Each of these excuses need different ways of being dealth with. Some are more to do with his ego exclusivly while others have more complex undercurrents. To be able to survive an affair you need to know exactly what you are facing!

3. Find out what is internally driving him to the affair.

This follows on from the previous tip, while you can find out the reason he may state is making him turn to an affair you need to delve deeper and find out what is really driving him! You need to know what drives your man, how his past has effected him decision makign now, how he copes with relationships and more. How you do this will vary greatly but only once you find out what HIS problem is can you develop effective strategies with better decisions. You will also feel a lot better knowing you now have a clear path to follow and it is his problem not your own!

4. Ask yourself the tough question.

Now that you have worked out what is happening with your partner and undertsand him much more than you did before you have to ask a difficult question of yourself, "Do want to stay with him?". While you probably answer yes straight away or you would not be reading this guide only once you have come to the conclusions you have after following the first 3 steps can you look at tyhis mroe honestly. Basically you need to work out if you really love him and want to stay with him or if you just want to save your marriage based on your own feelings of insecurities and neediness. While this may sound harsh if you want him to be honest with you you must be honest with him and yourself, if you are trying to save a marriage based purly on selfish reasons will it be much of a marriage? While you are askign yourself this now it is best to find out about him first before you can look at this question logically!

What are the odds of saving your marriage?

What sort of affair you are facing from tip 2 makes a large impact on how easy it will be to save your marriage and may effect how you approach this problem. Here is a quick guide, however small nuances in each situation may vary the end result so this is just a rough guide.

My marriage made me do this! - Hard to save. IF he is set in his mind that the marriage is the problem then obviously it will be harder to get a healthy marriage back. I just can't say no! - This is purly his problem and has a good chance of saving the marriage once he works it out. I just don't WANT to say no! - Not as good. He is choosing very logically to have this affair because he really wants it. This is still an ego issue though and he may still want a marriage back once the reasons for his wanting an affair can be solved. Better then the first not as good as the second type. I am not in love any more! - Not as bad as it sounds, he is wanting with this type and while he feels the love is gone the marriage may still have appeal. Rekindling love can turn this around greatly! I did it to get revenge on my spouse! - also not as bad as it sounds. Angry and petulant but he still sees you as his wife otherwiase he would have simply tried for a divorce. I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! - Again more about his ego than your marriage. I just wanted to be close to someone! - IF there is distance in amarriage this could be problematic, this could be tough.

5. Predict the future

Once you are armed with all this information and can act on it you will also be armed with an important skill; Foresight. Using your new knowledge of your man and his desires, shortcomings and needs you can predict what will happen in his affair and your marriage. USing your knowledge predict if he will have another affair even if this one stops. Use your knowledge to predict if the affairs are long term or just one night stands. Predict what sort of affairs he is likely to have, physical, emotional or mental? Use this knowledge to see the future then act on it!

Affair surviving can be a hard road no matter what your choices but i hope these tips on surviving an affair will arm you with the information you need to make the right decisions not just now but for long into the future!

Good luck!

About the Author

Did you find this article useful? Need more information on surviving that affair? Want to make sure it never happens again so you get the marital bliss you have been missing for so long? Click here to find out how to break free from the affair! Get your man and your own life back now or suffeer the agony of ongoing affairs

Michael
Surviving An Affair

surviving an affair

A surviving an affair article by Terry Ross Titled, Surviving Infidelity

Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.

Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.

"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.

I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.

I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"

Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.

The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.

The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.

Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.

Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.

However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.

That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.

As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.

About the Author

For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com

Surviving An Affair