Dealing With Infidelity

A good article below on surviving infidelity. First there's the suspicion that your spouse is cheating, then the horror of realizing that it's actually true, then comes the real hard part, dealing with infidelity

Surviving Infidelity and What to Say: The Laser Phrase Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage. Hearing that your cheating spouse is "in love" with someone else is devastating. I hear often, "I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and "love" someone else...man, that is hard." (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to "win her back."

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions... daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn't work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found "love."

At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.

If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.

She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don't stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!

Here's a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It's called "back off!"

Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent - most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!

Remember, this "in love" state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.

She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, "This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I'm not with him? What does this say about me?"

This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don't get in her way.

I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.

At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you - apart from what she does with him - that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.

This is your opportunity to grow to another level.

Oh, by the way. She will notice! And....she might like it.

Backing off does not mean that you don't have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage. About the author: Dr. Huizenga, the Infidelity Coach, offers infidelity help and relationship advice for coping with extramarital affairs and marital infidelity at: Break Free-From-the-Affair.com and Infidelity-help.com. Get articles and free downloads on emotional infidelity, coping with infidelity, the cheating spouse, signs of an affair, surviving infidelity and more.
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
Published: 5/5/2007

Surviving Infidelity
Michael Thomas

5 Tips For Surviving An Affair

A good article by M Porteous,

Affair surviving? 5 Tips for surviving an affair!

The horrible gut wrenching feeling knowing your husbad is having an affair can be a poison that will infect all parts of your life. The questions you ask yourself and the self doubt wear you down night after night. "Do i throw him out?", "Can i ignore it and time will heal?", "Did i fail him?", "Can i save my marriage?". All these things and more run through your mind ,making you angry, sad, scared and depressed. It does not ave to be this way however! affair surviving is possible and can be done by you if you do a few things right like these tips on surviving an affair.

1. Know the Affair is NOT your Fault.

While it can feel that you may have done somethign wrong that has driven him into the arms of another woman this is never true! While both of you may have made mistakes, (and who honestly hasn't!) The truth of the matter is that HE mad ethe choice to have an affair! This means HE is the one who is at fault no matter the circumstances! Your husband has made a decision based on a selfish desire to run away from a problem instead of solving it. The affair is a temporary indulgence in an emotional and physical neediness. The truth is that affairs are temporary things and hardly ever amount to anythign solid between the two having an affair.

2. You must find out just what type of affair is going on.

Affairs happen for different reasons just as people lead different lives and want different things. Here are some of the main excuses men use to justify thier affair.

My marriage made me do this! I just can't say no! I just don't WANT to say no! I am not in love any more! I did it to get revenge on my spouse! I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! I just wanted to be close to someone!

Each of these excuses need different ways of being dealth with. Some are more to do with his ego exclusivly while others have more complex undercurrents. To be able to survive an affair you need to know exactly what you are facing!

3. Find out what is internally driving him to the affair.

This follows on from the previous tip, while you can find out the reason he may state is making him turn to an affair you need to delve deeper and find out what is really driving him! You need to know what drives your man, how his past has effected him decision makign now, how he copes with relationships and more. How you do this will vary greatly but only once you find out what HIS problem is can you develop effective strategies with better decisions. You will also feel a lot better knowing you now have a clear path to follow and it is his problem not your own!

4. Ask yourself the tough question.

Now that you have worked out what is happening with your partner and undertsand him much more than you did before you have to ask a difficult question of yourself, "Do want to stay with him?". While you probably answer yes straight away or you would not be reading this guide only once you have come to the conclusions you have after following the first 3 steps can you look at tyhis mroe honestly. Basically you need to work out if you really love him and want to stay with him or if you just want to save your marriage based on your own feelings of insecurities and neediness. While this may sound harsh if you want him to be honest with you you must be honest with him and yourself, if you are trying to save a marriage based purly on selfish reasons will it be much of a marriage? While you are askign yourself this now it is best to find out about him first before you can look at this question logically!

What are the odds of saving your marriage?

What sort of affair you are facing from tip 2 makes a large impact on how easy it will be to save your marriage and may effect how you approach this problem. Here is a quick guide, however small nuances in each situation may vary the end result so this is just a rough guide.

My marriage made me do this! - Hard to save. IF he is set in his mind that the marriage is the problem then obviously it will be harder to get a healthy marriage back. I just can't say no! - This is purly his problem and has a good chance of saving the marriage once he works it out. I just don't WANT to say no! - Not as good. He is choosing very logically to have this affair because he really wants it. This is still an ego issue though and he may still want a marriage back once the reasons for his wanting an affair can be solved. Better then the first not as good as the second type. I am not in love any more! - Not as bad as it sounds, he is wanting with this type and while he feels the love is gone the marriage may still have appeal. Rekindling love can turn this around greatly! I did it to get revenge on my spouse! - also not as bad as it sounds. Angry and petulant but he still sees you as his wife otherwiase he would have simply tried for a divorce. I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! - Again more about his ego than your marriage. I just wanted to be close to someone! - IF there is distance in amarriage this could be problematic, this could be tough.

5. Predict the future

Once you are armed with all this information and can act on it you will also be armed with an important skill; Foresight. Using your new knowledge of your man and his desires, shortcomings and needs you can predict what will happen in his affair and your marriage. USing your knowledge predict if he will have another affair even if this one stops. Use your knowledge to predict if the affairs are long term or just one night stands. Predict what sort of affairs he is likely to have, physical, emotional or mental? Use this knowledge to see the future then act on it!

Affair surviving can be a hard road no matter what your choices but i hope these tips on surviving an affair will arm you with the information you need to make the right decisions not just now but for long into the future!

Good luck!

About the Author

Did you find this article useful? Need more information on surviving that affair? Want to make sure it never happens again so you get the marital bliss you have been missing for so long? Click here to find out how to break free from the affair! Get your man and your own life back now or suffeer the agony of ongoing affairs

Michael
Surviving An Affair

surviving an affair

A surviving an affair article by Terry Ross Titled, Surviving Infidelity

Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.

Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.

"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.

I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.

I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"

Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.

The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.

The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.

Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.

Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.

However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.

That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.

As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.

About the Author

For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com

Surviving An Affair

surviving an affair

Infidelity Strategy: Knowing when and when not to Wait article by surviving an affair expert Robert Huizenga

You found out that your partner is having an affair. Are you unsure of what to do? Do you rant and rage? Or, do you try to be nice, hoping your goodness will turn the tide of the affair? Do you throw him/her out? Or, do you step back and wait, hoping s/he will come back to you?

These are hugely important questions that impact the course of your healing and your capacity to change the flow of the affair, if indeed, it can be changed. You want your strategy to be well thought through and have the greatest impact.

You want no knee-jerk reaction that will dig your hole deeper, do you?

And, believe me, the answers to these questions are not clear cut. They are complex.

Let's talk about waiting.

I had a coaching call with Sue (part of my audio tape series) in which Sue described beautifully the three stages of waiting as you cope with marital infidelity.

The first waiting is usually for your spouse to change.

You are hoping either that you will wake up and find that this was nothing more than a bad nightmare (part of the shock of discovery) or that s/he will see the error of his/her ways and become sane once again.

Typically, you focus on your cheating partner and/or the other person. That's all you think about. That's all you feel. It consumes you!

Now let's be realistic here. If you have a marriage where you are invested, emotionally, financially, etc. it will be next to impossible to avoid this agony.

Yes, you will go off the deep end, a little; maybe a lot. You engage in most of the "Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair and your misery" I outline in my e-course. Your minutes are marked by confusion and awful pain.

And then you move to the second phase of waiting: waiting for you to be comfortable enough with you and the situation to do exactly what you need to say and do that will have the greatest benefit for you and the relationship. You get smart.

It begins when you learn that there are 7 kinds of infidelity. It begins when you discover what it was that drove your spouse to make such a horrible decision.

It begins when you discover that his/her personal characteristics match exactly the kind of affair s/he is having. It begins when you realize that it was HIS/HER decision and had very little to do with you.

It begins when you discover that you are not alone: Thousands of others experience similar pain and in surviving infidelity have created and upgraded very successfully their lives and relationships.

It begins when you realize the huge reservoir of your personal power you want to unleash.

As you intentionally charge neutral you find those people important in your life attending to what you say, what you value and what you will not tolerate.

And then you enter the third phase of waiting: waiting for the infidelity process to work itself to completion.

From what you've learned about the kinds of infidelity, with great forethought and preparation, you begin to intervene.

You are aware of the specific kind of affair facing you and now you know the best strategy to employ for that kind of affair. You act and speak with force. S/he finally "gets" what you are saying and you pleasantly discover s/he is responding more positively.

Knowing the kind of affair, enables you to set a time line. You begin to understand and accept the time frame for the process.

You are on the way. You continue to learn. You continue to adjust your words and actions to have their greatest impact.

You begin enjoying yourself. You are no longer concerned about waiting. You joyfully discover that your life seems easier, lighter and are surprised by how good you find it. You can stand back and marvel at your journey, and yes, even give thanks for where you have been.

Now, I want you to know that what I've written above is not a pipe dream. I work with people regularly who move through these stages of waiting. And, the quicker they start, the faster they move.

About the Author

Dr. Robert Huizenga, CSW, LMFT, The Infidelity Coach, is an author, and Marriage and Family Therapist. For the past two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in the area of marital infidelity. He is author of "Break Free From The Affair." To read how he has helped others go to: http://www.infidelity-help.com/chatroom

surviving an affair