A great surviving infidelity article by esther kane, who is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, and author of "Dump That Chump".
Recently, I was asked, "How does one begin to heal from a painful love affair?"
Oh, if only there were a simple answer to heartbreak. Alas, I have yet to find one. After witnessing countless women's journeys on the road to healing from a hurtful love affair, the conclusion that I've come to is that 'the only way out is through.' This, dear reader, is probably NOT the answer you were looking for. However, I'm a big believer in dealing with reality and not seeking simple solutions to complex problems.
When a healthy intimate relationship ends, the pain can feel unbearable at times. But when a hurtful, or abusive, relationship ends, not only are you dealing with the loss of the relationship; you've also got to heal from the trauma of the abuse. I'm not sure if the relationship in question was abusive or not because I don't have enough information to go on, but for the purposes of this column, I'm going to assume that it wasn't in order to simplify things.
Please forgive me if I got it wrong. If it was abusive, I strongly recommend that you seek psychotherapy with someone who specializes in healing from abuse as this is a very delicate matter that needs professional help. So, in terms of healing from a relationship where there wasn't abuse per se, but it just didn't work due to other reasons (there can be many), I will state again that THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH. What I mean by that is that you have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process until you're done.
There's no strict formula here for what that should look like or how long it should take, but in general, there are definite stages of grief. I've taken the following from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she outlines five stages that a dying person experiences when they are told they are dying. The stages identified are: · Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance Even though these stages were developed for people who are terminally ill; experience throughout the years has shown that they are equally applicable to many other forms of loss and grief.
So when a relationship ends, for example, you may go into denial and scream, "this can't be happening to me!" Soon after that, you may explode with anger and think, "Why is this happening to me?" You may blame your ex, yourself, or even God for the end of the relationship. This can be especially intense if your partner cheated on you. You may be enraged at the unfairness of it all and want to punish him/her and the person they cheated with. Then comes the bargaining stage where you're in so much pain after the break-up, that you're willing to do anything in order to get that person back and you shriek, "I promise I'll be a better person if you'll just come back to me." Then, you're hit with the proverbial "blues." This is when you're favourite place in your home is your freezer and you frequently go there for a tub of Haagan Dazs (and NOT the low-fat kind either!) Billie Holiday records are also extremely handy at this stage, as are countless bubble baths in which you soak your tired body, cry a river of tears (all while listening to Billie on the stereo and consuming ice cream- a sort of emotional 'multitasking', if you like). Then, alas, the tears start to dry up, you don't feel so crumby, and you start to notice the good things in life again. This final stage, the one you've earned through going through all of the preceding stages and surviving, is called, "acceptance." This is when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the saddle of life with a renewed sense of hope, some understanding, a dose of personal growth, and even a sense of humour.
Even though I've never had children, I'm imagining that this stage is like JUST AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH, and you almost forget how painful it all was and can see that it was all worth it. To all of you who are trying to heal from a broken heart, I hope that at least some of what I've shared here helps.
About the Author
Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of "Dump That Chump: A Ten-Step Plan for Ending Bad Relationships and Attracting the Fabulous Partner You Deserve (www.dumpthatchump.com), and "What Your Mama Can't or Won't Teach You: Grown Women's Stories of Their Teen Years (www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Surviving Infidelity
Surviving Infidelity by Terry Ross
Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.
Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.
"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.
I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage.
I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.
I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"
Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.
The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.
The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.
Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.
Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.
However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.
That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.
As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.
About the Author
For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com
Surviving An Affair
Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.
Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.
"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.
I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage.
I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.
I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"
Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.
The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.
The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.
Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.
Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.
However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.
That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.
As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.
About the Author
For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com
Surviving An Affair
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