Surviving an Affair

Save Marriage After Affair Can a Marriage Survive an Affair?

2011-02-17T01:28:00.000-08:00

Here's an article from Katie, who has suffered first hand, when her husband had an affair. People do and you CAN save marriage after affair

In my experience, the answer to this question is yes. My husband had an affair several years ago and although I felt that my world and my marriage were destroyed at that time, the affair was actually eventually a wake up call which made our marriage better.

Of course, there were hard times and hard work in between, but if several things are present (which I will discuss in this article), a marriage can absolutely survive an affair. It happens all of the time - and not just with people in the spot light, like Kathy Lee Gifford or Hillary Clinton, - but real, ordinary every day people who are able to put their marriage first and make the commitment to move past it. Here are the things that I believe must eventually take place for a marriage to survive an affair.

The Wife Must Be Able To Express Her Feelings And Have Them Understood Before Moving On: I can not tell you how many wives have told me that even when they feel relatively sure that they have begun to forgive their husbands and want to move on, they get stuck. The feelings of betrayal and rage always seem to keep coming back up. They may wake up in the morning and feel ready to move on only to be extremely angry and frustrated again by noon. This is perfectly normal. Sometimes, more patience is all that is needed. You just need to have the distance and healing that comes with time.

However, if these feelings keep cropping up after some time, take a look at whether you've gotten all of the feelings out and feel that you have been heard and understood. Your husband needs to know exactly how you feel and take responsibility for his part in it. You absolutely need to feel that you have not only been heard, but have also been completely understood.

Many women are afraid to lay it out there because they fear that it's going to make a bad situation worse. But, if you don't feel that your husband really gets it, then you probably can't totally move on and begin to heal.

The Husband Must Take Responsibility For The Affair And Make Himself Available And Accountable: First off, I'd like to clear up what I think is the biggest reason that men cheat on their wives. This comes from own experience and research, but I believe it to be valid. Most men have affairs for emotional rather than physical reasons.

Believing that affairs are all about sex is a huge mistake. There is a well known affair / infidelity study which polled men who had cheated and almost 80% said that the affair happened because of emotional needs. (Only 12% said the "other woman" was prettier than their wife.)

Believe me when I say that I'm not sticking up for cheating husbands, but most are deeply sorry about the affair. Often times, men are embarrassed to admit they need or want more of your attention and support or that they are struggling personally, so they instead try to fix them problem on their own. They never think you will find out. This logic is twisted and flawed, but this is their thinking.

With that said, your husband's choice was a horrible one, and he needs to take responsibility for it. He also needs to understand that during the healing process, you are going to need for him to be forthcoming about his whereabouts and with his reassurance and affection.

Putting up defenses or resenting your need for him to be accountable will only make you more suspicious of him. It's best to just understand that, at least for a time, he will need to share with you issues that are important to you like where he is and who he is with. He also needs to be open to communication and exercises that can reassure you and help you to heal.

At the same time, a wife shouldn't punish a husband forever. If he's taken the necessary steps to hear you, understand you, make himself trustworthy and facilitate your healing, you can't continue on with the hurtful spiteful comments to infinity because this will only tear the marriage down rather than build it up.

Both Parties Need To Be Open To Seeing The Affair As A Wake Up Call That Can Make The Marriage Better: When I used to read about couples who said that their marriage was actually stronger after an affair, I used to think that these people were delusional or lying.

But, now from my own experience and research, I know that this is very much true.

Affairs can end a marriage, weaken it, or tear it apart, but they can also bring problems that were hiding in the dark into the light. Couples often learn how to communicate and show affection and appreciation much more effectively and frequently. Suddenly, it becomes very clear to you that you can't take your marriage for granted and you have to give it the same attention as you do or would your job or your children.

So many married couples just assume that their spouse know they love and appreciate them, but an affair shows you that you can't make these assumptions without leaving your marriage vulnerable.

I know and understand my husband much better than I did before we did the work needed to survive the affair and vice versa. And, I've much improved upon my communication skills and making my marriage a priority. I know that right now, it may be hard for you to believe when I say my marriage not only survived the affair, but improved because of it, but it's true for me and it can be for you, too if that is what you chose.

I struggled greatly with forgiving my husband after his affair, but after much introspection, conducting a lot of research, and listening to knowledgeable experts, I finally learned that forgiveness was possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, our marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Katie_Lersch

Dealing With Infidelity

2009-02-27T01:14:00.000-08:00

A good article below on surviving infidelity. First there's the suspicion that your spouse is cheating, then the horror of realizing that it's actually true, then comes the real hard part, dealing with infidelity

Surviving Infidelity and What to Say: The Laser Phrase Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage. Hearing that your cheating spouse is "in love" with someone else is devastating. I hear often, "I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and "love" someone else...man, that is hard." (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to "win her back."

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions... daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn't work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found "love."

At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.

If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.

She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don't stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!

Here's a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It's called "back off!"

Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent - most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!

Remember, this "in love" state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.

She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, "This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I'm not with him? What does this say about me?"

This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don't get in her way.

I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.

At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you - apart from what she does with him - that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.

This is your opportunity to grow to another level.

Oh, by the way. She will notice! And....she might like it.

Backing off does not mean that you don't have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage. About the author: Dr. Huizenga, the Infidelity Coach, offers infidelity help and relationship advice for coping with extramarital affairs and marital infidelity at: Break Free-From-the-Affair.com and Infidelity-help.com. Get articles and free downloads on emotional infidelity, coping with infidelity, the cheating spouse, signs of an affair, surviving infidelity and more.
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
Published: 5/5/2007

Surviving Infidelity
Michael Thomas

Fixing A Marriage After Cheating

2008-11-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

The event is bad enough, but sometimes surviving infidelity is the hardest part. Here's a great article called, After the event Fixing A Marriage After Cheating by surviving infidelity expert, Julia Solomon

Anybody who has been intricate in an affection event or whose partner had an event may tell of catastrophic consequences. Credibility is ruined, hearts are disillusioned, and the thought of an impending together is spoiled by sorrowful feelings of debit. Cheating affects the deepest parts of a wedding. However, you may still learn how to get over a business.

What it takes to repossess from a situation is too open to see actuality, to face the terrible dishonest perpetrated, and to commit to make the matrimony work. Decide that split is not a selection. All communication with the "other man" or "other lady" must end, and I mean right now. Now excuses. Do not even judge other options. If you must, change jobs to get away from being near the other role. Move to another city if you must, but end the event with no ties left to the other, anyone. Period. No negotiation. Make no foster phone.

Surviving a situation is feasible with attentive power to work through the recovery treat.

Do not revert to a concern through dealings with the other persona. What it takes to mend from a thing is to exceed it off completely. Ask a same-sex isolated to contact the other, any one in the business and tell them that you will not call, write, forward, or see the other role tortuous in the concern again, ever. Have your comrade become your accountability partner to help you through this.

Professional wedding and family therapy counseling may help you and your husband renovate presume and communication, strengthening your matrimony. Your therapist will help you and your partner see weak acne in your marriage that let the issue happen, and show you how to do gear differently. Be clearly to select a therapist who has experience in advising after infidelity or you may end with more hurt due to mediocre opinion.

To reinstate belief you necessity to be completely open to the harmed group, your husband. It is undeniably the crucial show in restructuring your relationship. Make persuaded your wife knows that you are transparent and committed to the certainty. Your unfaithfulness has ruined your trustworthiness in your mate's eyes. It will be a hard, but laudable method to rebuild your credibility.

After cheating on your mate be inclined to explain reasons you are not open to make it on time from work or even tell your mate the password to your email. Also make convinced that you get rid off all correspondence that you had with the other self so that you are sure you are not open be tempted to contact her/him again. Yet again, be organize to answer any feasible questions from your husband.

Be inclined and eager to accept responsibility for your actions. Do not make excuses. Saying you are miserable, "get over it" is a notice of cold unaccountability. To the offended wife, this is a mark that the offender may desire a business again in the future. Recovery takes time; wounds from an affair are arcane.

What it takes to salvage from an affair is for the offending wife to safeguard the hurt spouse in every way that you can. Then work on fetching the qualities of award, good integrity and valuable of custody. You and your marriage can outlast, even increase, if both of you are disposed to commit to the work it will take. It is well merit the effort.

About the Author

Read about relationship breakup and trust in a relationship at the Relationship Guide website.

Surviving an affair

5 Tips For Surviving An Affair

2008-09-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

A good article by M Porteous,

Affair surviving? 5 Tips for surviving an affair!

The horrible gut wrenching feeling knowing your husbad is having an affair can be a poison that will infect all parts of your life. The questions you ask yourself and the self doubt wear you down night after night. "Do i throw him out?", "Can i ignore it and time will heal?", "Did i fail him?", "Can i save my marriage?". All these things and more run through your mind ,making you angry, sad, scared and depressed. It does not ave to be this way however! affair surviving is possible and can be done by you if you do a few things right like these tips on surviving an affair.

1. Know the Affair is NOT your Fault.

While it can feel that you may have done somethign wrong that has driven him into the arms of another woman this is never true! While both of you may have made mistakes, (and who honestly hasn't!) The truth of the matter is that HE mad ethe choice to have an affair! This means HE is the one who is at fault no matter the circumstances! Your husband has made a decision based on a selfish desire to run away from a problem instead of solving it. The affair is a temporary indulgence in an emotional and physical neediness. The truth is that affairs are temporary things and hardly ever amount to anythign solid between the two having an affair.

2. You must find out just what type of affair is going on.

Affairs happen for different reasons just as people lead different lives and want different things. Here are some of the main excuses men use to justify thier affair.

My marriage made me do this! I just can't say no! I just don't WANT to say no! I am not in love any more! I did it to get revenge on my spouse! I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! I just wanted to be close to someone!

Each of these excuses need different ways of being dealth with. Some are more to do with his ego exclusivly while others have more complex undercurrents. To be able to survive an affair you need to know exactly what you are facing!

3. Find out what is internally driving him to the affair.

This follows on from the previous tip, while you can find out the reason he may state is making him turn to an affair you need to delve deeper and find out what is really driving him! You need to know what drives your man, how his past has effected him decision makign now, how he copes with relationships and more. How you do this will vary greatly but only once you find out what HIS problem is can you develop effective strategies with better decisions. You will also feel a lot better knowing you now have a clear path to follow and it is his problem not your own!

4. Ask yourself the tough question.

Now that you have worked out what is happening with your partner and undertsand him much more than you did before you have to ask a difficult question of yourself, "Do want to stay with him?". While you probably answer yes straight away or you would not be reading this guide only once you have come to the conclusions you have after following the first 3 steps can you look at tyhis mroe honestly. Basically you need to work out if you really love him and want to stay with him or if you just want to save your marriage based on your own feelings of insecurities and neediness. While this may sound harsh if you want him to be honest with you you must be honest with him and yourself, if you are trying to save a marriage based purly on selfish reasons will it be much of a marriage? While you are askign yourself this now it is best to find out about him first before you can look at this question logically!

What are the odds of saving your marriage?

What sort of affair you are facing from tip 2 makes a large impact on how easy it will be to save your marriage and may effect how you approach this problem. Here is a quick guide, however small nuances in each situation may vary the end result so this is just a rough guide.

My marriage made me do this! - Hard to save. IF he is set in his mind that the marriage is the problem then obviously it will be harder to get a healthy marriage back. I just can't say no! - This is purly his problem and has a good chance of saving the marriage once he works it out. I just don't WANT to say no! - Not as good. He is choosing very logically to have this affair because he really wants it. This is still an ego issue though and he may still want a marriage back once the reasons for his wanting an affair can be solved. Better then the first not as good as the second type. I am not in love any more! - Not as bad as it sounds, he is wanting with this type and while he feels the love is gone the marriage may still have appeal. Rekindling love can turn this around greatly! I did it to get revenge on my spouse! - also not as bad as it sounds. Angry and petulant but he still sees you as his wife otherwiase he would have simply tried for a divorce. I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! - Again more about his ego than your marriage. I just wanted to be close to someone! - IF there is distance in amarriage this could be problematic, this could be tough.

5. Predict the future

Once you are armed with all this information and can act on it you will also be armed with an important skill; Foresight. Using your new knowledge of your man and his desires, shortcomings and needs you can predict what will happen in his affair and your marriage. USing your knowledge predict if he will have another affair even if this one stops. Use your knowledge to predict if the affairs are long term or just one night stands. Predict what sort of affairs he is likely to have, physical, emotional or mental? Use this knowledge to see the future then act on it!

Affair surviving can be a hard road no matter what your choices but i hope these tips on surviving an affair will arm you with the information you need to make the right decisions not just now but for long into the future!

Good luck!

About the Author

Did you find this article useful? Need more information on surviving that affair? Want to make sure it never happens again so you get the marital bliss you have been missing for so long? Click here to find out how to break free from the affair! Get your man and your own life back now or suffeer the agony of ongoing affairs

Michael
Surviving An Affair

surviving an affair

2008-08-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

A surviving an affair article by Terry Ross Titled, Surviving Infidelity

Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.

Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.

"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.

I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.

I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"

Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.

The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.

The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.

Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.

Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.

However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.

That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.

As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.

About the Author

For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com

Surviving An Affair

surviving infidelity is it possible?

2008-08-10T04:22:00.000-07:00

A great article regarding surviving an affair, the article is called, Surviving Infidelity - It is Possible by Tong Lin

Finding out a spouse or a partner has been unfaithful in a relationship or marriage is very difficult and often people do not know how to handle the news that they have been betrayed. There are many emotions that people experience and they often do not know where to turn or who to talk to. If you have ever experienced this betrayal you need to understand that you are not alone. There are people out there who are willing and able to help you, they are trained in helping people get through a difficult time. You need to understand that you are a strong person and this is something that you can get through. The key to surviving infidelity is to know that you are not alone.

When you first find out that you have been cheated on your feelings will take charge and you will want a final decision immediately. The most common immediate reaction to finding out that a partner has been unfaithful is divorce. However, if you take a minute and breathe and think about the situation then you might realize that you might not want a divorce. Instead you might want to work through the problem and save your marriage or relationship. You also have to keep in mind that this is your personal business and when you first find out about an affair your first instinct is to tell people all about it. This sometimes is a mistake and you often regret doing that after. Sometimes it is better to keep the news a secret until you figure out your emotions and what you want to do about the news.

If you decide that you are going to try to save the relationship it is very important that you ensure that the affair has ended and that there will be no more infidelity. Again, you can let your feeling and emotions control the decisions that you make and it is important that you do not just accept the word of the person who cheated. You and your partner must come to an understanding about what is acceptable and what is not in your relationship and each must understand what considerable infidelity is and what is not.

It may also help to consult a professional that will help you deal with your feelings and emotions. Sometimes finding out that your partner has been unfaithful is a devastating experience and there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help in how to deal with the feelings that you are having. These people are trained and they are there to listen and give you advice about what you can do to get through this. Even if you are not looking for advice it is always good to have someone who is impartial to talk to. Many people rush to talk to their friends but often friends will give an opinion or unwanted advice. In your time of need, you to avoid this and spend time figuring out what you need to do to care for yourself first.

About the Author

For more information on surviving infidelity,the signs of infidelity and other infidelity related topics visit http://www.SurvivingInfideltiy911.com

Michael (blog owner)

surviving an affair

2008-08-05T05:33:00.000-07:00

Infidelity Strategy: Knowing when and when not to Wait article by surviving an affair expert Robert Huizenga

You found out that your partner is having an affair. Are you unsure of what to do? Do you rant and rage? Or, do you try to be nice, hoping your goodness will turn the tide of the affair? Do you throw him/her out? Or, do you step back and wait, hoping s/he will come back to you?

These are hugely important questions that impact the course of your healing and your capacity to change the flow of the affair, if indeed, it can be changed. You want your strategy to be well thought through and have the greatest impact.

You want no knee-jerk reaction that will dig your hole deeper, do you?

And, believe me, the answers to these questions are not clear cut. They are complex.

Let's talk about waiting.

I had a coaching call with Sue (part of my audio tape series) in which Sue described beautifully the three stages of waiting as you cope with marital infidelity.

The first waiting is usually for your spouse to change.

You are hoping either that you will wake up and find that this was nothing more than a bad nightmare (part of the shock of discovery) or that s/he will see the error of his/her ways and become sane once again.

Typically, you focus on your cheating partner and/or the other person. That's all you think about. That's all you feel. It consumes you!

Now let's be realistic here. If you have a marriage where you are invested, emotionally, financially, etc. it will be next to impossible to avoid this agony.

Yes, you will go off the deep end, a little; maybe a lot. You engage in most of the "Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair and your misery" I outline in my e-course. Your minutes are marked by confusion and awful pain.

And then you move to the second phase of waiting: waiting for you to be comfortable enough with you and the situation to do exactly what you need to say and do that will have the greatest benefit for you and the relationship. You get smart.

It begins when you learn that there are 7 kinds of infidelity. It begins when you discover what it was that drove your spouse to make such a horrible decision.

It begins when you discover that his/her personal characteristics match exactly the kind of affair s/he is having. It begins when you realize that it was HIS/HER decision and had very little to do with you.

It begins when you discover that you are not alone: Thousands of others experience similar pain and in surviving infidelity have created and upgraded very successfully their lives and relationships.

It begins when you realize the huge reservoir of your personal power you want to unleash.

As you intentionally charge neutral you find those people important in your life attending to what you say, what you value and what you will not tolerate.

And then you enter the third phase of waiting: waiting for the infidelity process to work itself to completion.

From what you've learned about the kinds of infidelity, with great forethought and preparation, you begin to intervene.

You are aware of the specific kind of affair facing you and now you know the best strategy to employ for that kind of affair. You act and speak with force. S/he finally "gets" what you are saying and you pleasantly discover s/he is responding more positively.

Knowing the kind of affair, enables you to set a time line. You begin to understand and accept the time frame for the process.

You are on the way. You continue to learn. You continue to adjust your words and actions to have their greatest impact.

You begin enjoying yourself. You are no longer concerned about waiting. You joyfully discover that your life seems easier, lighter and are surprised by how good you find it. You can stand back and marvel at your journey, and yes, even give thanks for where you have been.

Now, I want you to know that what I've written above is not a pipe dream. I work with people regularly who move through these stages of waiting. And, the quicker they start, the faster they move.

About the Author

Dr. Robert Huizenga, CSW, LMFT, The Infidelity Coach, is an author, and Marriage and Family Therapist. For the past two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in the area of marital infidelity. He is author of "Break Free From The Affair." To read how he has helped others go to: http://www.infidelity-help.com/chatroom

surviving an affair

Affair surviving? 5 Tips for surviving an affair!

2008-06-18T01:47:00.000-07:00

A great article on surviving an affair by M Porteous

1. Know the Affair is NOT your Fault.

2. You must find out just what type of affair is going on.

Affairs happen for different reasons just as people lead different lives and want different things. Here are some of the main excuses men use to justify thier affair.

3. Find out what is internally driving him to the affair.

4. Ask yourself the tough question.

What are the odds of saving your marriage?

5. Predict the future

Good luck!

About the author. Did you find this article useful? Need more information on surviving that affair? Want to make sure it never happens again so you get the marital bliss you have been missing for so long? Click here to find out how to break free from the affair! Get your man and your own life back now or suffeer the agony of ongoing affairs

Insights on Infidelity from Hillary Clinton's Book

2007-05-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

Surviving an Affair
An interesting article taken from Hilary Clinton's book. Hope you find it useful.
Michael

Insights on Infidelity from Hillary Clinton's Book by Ruth Houston

Of the various topics discussed in Hillary Clinton's "Living History", the topic that has gained the most attention is the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. Since infidelity now affects 80% of all marriages, it's easy to understand why. The Clinton-Lewinsky affair continues to be a major point of interest because infidelity has reached epidemic proportions. Women with cheating husbands identify with Mrs. Clinton and feel they can learn from her experience."

As author of an infidelity book and former infidelity victim myself, I can attest to the fact that women struggling with issues of infidelity are eager for information that will shed light on how to cope with an extramarital affair.

There are nuggets of information on surviving infidelity scattered throughout Hillary Clinton's account of the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. I found at least a dozen insights on infidelity that would be of interest to women whose husbands are having an affair - insights such as:

• Infidelity doesn't necessarily have to mean the end of the marriage. • A cheating husband must come clean and own up to his infidelity before the healing process can begin. • Together, the couple must address the underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair. • Both parties must be equally committed to rebuilding the marriage. • Counseling can help the couple come to terms with the affair. • The healing process takes time and both parties must be patient.

Living History" is a surprisingly rich source of information on surviving an affair. Women will find in Hillary Clinton a role model for wives facing similar marital problems. Her candid account of the Clinton-Lewinsky affair answers many of the questions in the public mind, such as : Why didn't Mrs. Clinton leave her husband? What made her decide to stay with him and keep their marriage intact? How did she cope with the emotional trauma? What helped her overcome the pain of betrayal?

"Living History" provides an intensely intimate look at one woman's reaction to her husband's affair. By examining the factors that contributed to the survival of the Clinton marriage, perhaps other marriages can be saved. "Living History" is worthwhile reading for any woman whose husband is engaged in an extramarital affair.

© 2004 Ruth Houston All rights reserved.
About the Author

Ruth Houston is the author of "Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs." For more information about her book, cheating husbands or signs of infidelity visit http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com To receive a FREE Infidelity Report which includes a list of 29 Telltale Signs, send an e-mail to CheatingSigns@aol.com with "Infidelity Report" in the subject line.

Surviving an Affair

Surviving An Affair

2007-04-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

Surviving An Affair

Having an unfaithful spouse can be devastating, surviving infidelity can be a major life changing event. surviving an affair takes tremendous courage.

Do you suspect your spouse is cheating on you? If you believe you have a cheating spouse you need to look for the sign of a cheating spouse. If you have a cheating partner, they will always show you a sign of infidelity.

Interesting article from Stephany Alexander. Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving by Stephany Alexander
Michael

Main Article

Warning signs of infidelity can take many forms but if you know which signs to look for, it can make this difficult investigative journey a bit easier and definitely less expensive than hiring a private investigator. Infidelity can take many forms but usually begins as emotional infidelity and then progresses to sexual infidelity. A person's gut instinct is usually right, but if you notice any of the below top 20 warning signs of infidelity, the likelihood of your partner cheating becomes even more so. If you discover infidelity, be prepared with a master plan of action. Surviving infidelity is just as difficult as the discovery so make sure that you have a master plan of action as to how you will cope if infidelity is discovered.
Watch for the following top 20 infidelity signs:
1. Cheating spouse spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so they must make up more excuses to be away such as working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.
2. Cheating husband or wife has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn't answer their phone around you, turns the ringer off or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheating partner's cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or of long duration.
3. Cheater's clothes smell of alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne.
4. Cheating spouse clears his computer history, utilizes free email accounts such as gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc..., spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.
5. Cheater is not interested in sex as much.
6. Cheating husband or wife is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.
7. Cheating spouse starts using cash more often.
8. Cheating spouse suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.
9. Cheating spouse has higher than usual car mileage.
10. Cheating husband or wife wants to travel and attend functions alone
11. Cheater has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.
12. Cheating spouse suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie.
13. They begin bathing or showering more frequently.
14. Cheating husband or wife asks about your schedule more often than usual.
15. Cheating spouse stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.
16. Cheater may have new or unusual sexual requests.
17. Cheating spouse is always "too tired" for you.
18. The lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc... because they need this time for their affair.
19. Cheating husband or wife becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.
20. Cheater starts finding fault in everything you do to justify the affair in their mind.
The discovery of infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Many couples have survived infidelity. If both partners still value the relationship and are willing to work at saving it through counseling, daily effort and increased communication, the chances of surviving infidelity become much greater.

About the Author
Stephany Alexander is a relationship expert and CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World's Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a degree in Communications and is the author of the book Sex, Lies and the Internet.

Surviving an Affair

2007-04-11T01:40:00.000-07:00

Surviving An Affair

Having an unfaithful spouse can be devastating, surviving infidelity can be a major life changing event. surviving an affair takes tremendous courage.

Do you suspect your spouse is cheating on you? If you believe you have a cheating spouse you need to look for the sign of a cheating spouse. If you have a cheating partner, they will always show you a sign of infidelity.

You need to catch your cheating spouse, do not just confront them, be sure, before you start this extremely hard and difficult time. There are lots of ways to detect an affair.
Below is a great article, Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving by Stephany Alexander
Michael Thomas
Surviving An Affair

main article
Top 20 Warning Signs of Infidelity and Surviving

Warning signs of infidelity can take many forms but if you know which signs to look for, it can make this difficult investigative journey a bit easier and definitely less expensive than hiring a private investigator. Infidelity can take many forms but usually begins as emotional infidelity and then progresses to sexual infidelity. A person's gut instinct is usually right, but if you notice any of the below top 20 warning signs of infidelity, the likelihood of your partner cheating becomes even more so. If you discover infidelity, be prepared with a master plan of action. Surviving infidelity is just as difficult as the discovery so make sure that you have a master plan of action as to how you will cope if infidelity is discovered.

Watch for the following top 20 infidelity signs:

1. Cheating spouse spends more time away from home. The cheater needs to spend more time with his love interest so they must make up more excuses to be away such as working late, unexplained errands and increased travel.

2. Cheating husband or wife has noticeable cell phone habit changes. The cheater doesn't answer their phone around you, turns the ringer off or takes longer than usual to call you back. If you have access to the cheating partner's cell phone bill, check for calls made during odd times or of long duration.

3. Cheater's clothes smell of alcohol, smoke, perfume or cologne.

4. Cheating spouse clears his computer history, utilizes free email accounts such as gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc..., spends odd hours or unusually long times on the computer, changes screen display when you enter the room.

5. Cheater is not interested in sex as much.

6. Cheating husband or wife is unusually defensive or starts ignoring you.

7. Cheating spouse starts using cash more often.

8. Cheating spouse suddenly starts doing their own laundry or dropping off their own dry cleaning.

9. Cheating spouse has higher than usual car mileage.

10. Cheating husband or wife wants to travel and attend functions alone

11. Cheater has unexplained receipts in their car, wallet or desk.

12. Cheating spouse suddenly joins a gym, changes diet, gets a new hair style, starts visiting tanning salon, buys new clothes and/or lingerie.

13. They begin bathing or showering more frequently.

14. Cheating husband or wife asks about your schedule more often than usual.

15. Cheating spouse stops cuddling, kissing or holding hands.

16. Cheater may have new or unusual sexual requests.

17. Cheating spouse is always "too tired" for you.

18. The lose interest in domestic activities such as spending time with the kids, doing chores, etc... because they need this time for their affair.

19. Cheating husband or wife becomes unusually nice, brings you more gifts than usual and is more affectionate because of guilt feelings and time spent away.

20. Cheater starts finding fault in everything you do to justify the affair in their mind.

The discovery of infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Many couples have survived infidelity. If both partners still value the relationship and are willing to work at saving it through counseling, daily effort and increased communication, the chances of surviving infidelity become much greater.

About the Author
Stephany Alexander is a relationship expert and CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World's Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a degree in Communications and is the author of the book Sex, Lies and the Internet.

Surviving An Affair

Surviving Infidelity

2007-04-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

A great article by Terry Ross, on surviving infidelity, after you have found the sign of a cheating spouse, the hard work starts! Surviving an affair is obviously the hardest part and takes a lot of effort.
Michael Thomas

Surviving An affair

Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.

Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.

"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.

I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.

I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"

Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.

The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.

The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.

Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.

Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.

However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.

That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.

As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.

For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com

Surviving Infidelity

How To Mend A Broken Heart

2007-01-25T04:50:00.000-08:00

A great surviving infidelity article by esther kane, who is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, and author of "Dump That Chump".

Recently, I was asked, "How does one begin to heal from a painful love affair?"

Oh, if only there were a simple answer to heartbreak. Alas, I have yet to find one. After witnessing countless women's journeys on the road to healing from a hurtful love affair, the conclusion that I've come to is that 'the only way out is through.' This, dear reader, is probably NOT the answer you were looking for. However, I'm a big believer in dealing with reality and not seeking simple solutions to complex problems.

When a healthy intimate relationship ends, the pain can feel unbearable at times. But when a hurtful, or abusive, relationship ends, not only are you dealing with the loss of the relationship; you've also got to heal from the trauma of the abuse. I'm not sure if the relationship in question was abusive or not because I don't have enough information to go on, but for the purposes of this column, I'm going to assume that it wasn't in order to simplify things.

Please forgive me if I got it wrong. If it was abusive, I strongly recommend that you seek psychotherapy with someone who specializes in healing from abuse as this is a very delicate matter that needs professional help. So, in terms of healing from a relationship where there wasn't abuse per se, but it just didn't work due to other reasons (there can be many), I will state again that THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH. What I mean by that is that you have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process until you're done.

There's no strict formula here for what that should look like or how long it should take, but in general, there are definite stages of grief. I've taken the following from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she outlines five stages that a dying person experiences when they are told they are dying. The stages identified are: · Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance Even though these stages were developed for people who are terminally ill; experience throughout the years has shown that they are equally applicable to many other forms of loss and grief.

So when a relationship ends, for example, you may go into denial and scream, "this can't be happening to me!" Soon after that, you may explode with anger and think, "Why is this happening to me?" You may blame your ex, yourself, or even God for the end of the relationship. This can be especially intense if your partner cheated on you. You may be enraged at the unfairness of it all and want to punish him/her and the person they cheated with. Then comes the bargaining stage where you're in so much pain after the break-up, that you're willing to do anything in order to get that person back and you shriek, "I promise I'll be a better person if you'll just come back to me." Then, you're hit with the proverbial "blues." This is when you're favourite place in your home is your freezer and you frequently go there for a tub of Haagan Dazs (and NOT the low-fat kind either!) Billie Holiday records are also extremely handy at this stage, as are countless bubble baths in which you soak your tired body, cry a river of tears (all while listening to Billie on the stereo and consuming ice cream- a sort of emotional 'multitasking', if you like). Then, alas, the tears start to dry up, you don't feel so crumby, and you start to notice the good things in life again. This final stage, the one you've earned through going through all of the preceding stages and surviving, is called, "acceptance." This is when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the saddle of life with a renewed sense of hope, some understanding, a dose of personal growth, and even a sense of humour.

Even though I've never had children, I'm imagining that this stage is like JUST AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH, and you almost forget how painful it all was and can see that it was all worth it. To all of you who are trying to heal from a broken heart, I hope that at least some of what I've shared here helps.

About the Author
Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of "Dump That Chump: A Ten-Step Plan for Ending Bad Relationships and Attracting the Fabulous Partner You Deserve (www.dumpthatchump.com), and "What Your Mama Can't or Won't Teach You: Grown Women's Stories of Their Teen Years (www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com

Surviving Infidelity

2006-10-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

Surviving Infidelity by Terry Ross

Learning about your spouse's affair is one of the most life changing events you'll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.
Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn't see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn't visualize surviving the infidelity.

"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn't get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.

I really hated my husband, the 'other' woman and myself for what had become of our marriage.

I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.

I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn't move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"

Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.

The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it's so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.
The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren't enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.

Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else's bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.

Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.

However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.

That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner's point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage. It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.

As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.

About the Author
For more information on how to save you marriage please visit: http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com

Surviving An Affair

Surviving Infidelity

2006-09-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

Surviving Infidelity

Insights on Infidelity from Hillary Clinton's Book by Ruth Houston

Of the various topics discussed in Hillary Clinton's "Living History", the topic that has gained the most attention is the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. Since infidelity now affects 80% of all marriages, it's easy to understand why. The Clinton-Lewinsky affair continues to be a major point of interest because infidelity has reached epidemic proportions. Women with cheating husbands identify with Mrs. Clinton and feel they can learn from her experience."

As author of an infidelity book and former infidelity victim myself, I can attest to the fact that women struggling with issues of infidelity are eager for information that will shed light on how to cope with an extramarital affair.There are nuggets of information on surviving infidelity scattered throughout Hillary Clinton's account of the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. I found at least a dozen insights on infidelity that would be of interest to women whose husbands are having an affair - insights such as: • Infidelity doesn't necessarily have to mean the end of the marriage. •

A cheating husband must come clean and own up to his infidelity before the healing process can begin. • Together, the couple must address the underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair. • Both parties must be equally committed to rebuilding the marriage. • Counseling can help the couple come to terms with the affair. • The healing process takes time and both parties must be patient.

Living History" is a surprisingly rich source of information on surviving an affair. Women will find in Hillary Clinton a role model for wives facing similar marital problems. Her candid account of the Clinton-Lewinsky affair answers many of the questions in the public mind, such as : Why didn't Mrs. Clinton leave her husband? What made her decide to stay with him and keep their marriage intact? How did she cope with the emotional trauma? What helped her overcome the pain of betrayal?

"Living History" provides an intensely intimate look at one woman's reaction to her husband's affair. By examining the factors that contributed to the survival of the Clinton marriage, perhaps other marriages can be saved. "Living History" is worthwhile reading for any woman whose husband is engaged in an extramarital affair.

© 2004 Ruth Houston All rights reserved.

About the Author
Ruth Houston is the author of "Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs." For more information about her book, cheating husbands or signs of infidelity visit http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com To receive a FREE Infidelity Report which includes a list of 29 Telltale Signs, send an e-mail to CheatingSigns@aol.com with "Infidelity Report" in the subject line.

Surviving Infidelity

Surviving An Affair

2006-09-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

Hi and welcome to, Surviving an affair.

This blog will be a resource point for the cheated and the cheaters.

It's purpose is to help couples surving an affair.

Cheating spouses is a terrible thing to get over, but with help and guidence you can save your relationship and learn to trust again.

Surviving An Affair
Michael